Leave the Mistakes of Your Past Relationships Behind
3 May 2016
After the end of a marriage or a relationship, it’s natural to want to do an emotional autopsy of what happened.
Before you start just trying to throw blame around, let’s take a look at some patterns to see if we can figure out what’s going on.
While we can’t look at both people in the relationship, we can start with YOU and that’s a pretty great place to start.
We will look over your previous relationships to see what happened to see what got you to this point.
Did you maybe push too hard? Or did you maybe not show enough interest?
Were you in relationships with emotionally unavailable people?
Relationships don’t work out for a myriad of reasons, including:
Lack of communication – this is maybe the biggest contributing factor. If you aren’t able to communicate what you want and need in a relationship, it can cause mixed and completely missed signals. We can work on how to best communicate so you can express yourself better.
Lack of trust – maybe you have deep rooted issues that make it difficult for you to trust someone. When you don’t have trust, you start to doubt the person cares about you and then question their motives and actions. This can cause the relationship to deteriorate rapidly. Relationship coaching can help you work on trust.
Choosing unhealthy/toxic relationships – this one happens quite often for many people, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It can take a while to break long-term patterns of thinking someone is the ‘right one’ or who you deserve. He may have been the married man who told you he would leave his wife; it may have been your spouse who had numerous affairs. It may be the person who repeatedly puts you down, is emotionally abusive, or has a drug/alcohol problem and you want to ‘fix’ them. It’s hard to be in a relationship when it is not healthy and bringing out the best in both people. We will work on how to identify what a healthy relationship looks like so you can find it.
These are just a few of the reasons a relationship ends. If it is a marriage, money is sometimes the driving force behind the divorce. Again, this is a matter of communication…if you can’t talk to your spouse about money issues – the good and the bad – how can you talk about anything else? We can work on talking about the tough stuff so you will know how to handle those times of conversations in the future.
And, maybe you are more than a little scared of being happy. When things start going right, you do something to self-sabotage it so the relationship will end. You may be scared that everyone will leave you anyway, or you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy. Whatever the reason is, we can get to the heart of the matter, so you can learn how to be happy and to move forward in your next relationship.
Divorce challenges the basic sense of who you've been and who you will become. Transitioning from being part of a couple to being unattached is a journey. There are 2 different processes people go through during the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. First there is a struggle for a more complete sense of personal identity. Post-divorce, you think, If I am not a couple them who am I? How am I going to do this on my own?
Second: All divorce people will grieve. Grief consists of a mixture of all of your raw feelings both positive and negative. Sometimes contradictory, which can include longing, fear, anger, love, sadness, hate, guilt, or regret.
People in the midst of grieving can explain typical symptoms of depression, difficulty sleeping, low self-esteem, and shame.
Perhaps problems in your marriage should be considered a wake up call to reconsider repeated patterns that are not working for you. Reflect on what you may have contribute to the demise so as it doesn't become a pattern going forward in your next relationship.
The end of a relationship can be sad, but can often bring about a new beginning.
Looking at these patterns can help you learn how to be stronger and more confident in your relationships. This can also help you process the end of your marriage or relationship and allow you to move forward in healthier space.
If you have recently gone through a divorce or ended a relationship and would like to work on some of these issues, contact me today.
If done correctly, it can actually help your next relationship be better.